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Saturday, May 21, 2011

On A Rapture: Apples fall, not stars!

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It has been three months since my last post on OCSN. There are a few good reasons for this; I have started a course at University, I have started a local paper (look out Rupert!), and I will even admit that at times I have not posted because of laziness. But one thing that has not been taking up my time is preparing for the Rapture.
Ladies and gentlemen, according to Harold Camping it’s Rapture time!Rapture day. Put on your helmets, wrap yourself in bubble wrap and cover your kids’ eyes for Jesus is a’comin’ back, and he has a grudge 1,975 years in the making!
What is the Rapture exactly? The Rapture is a Christian event; It is a bit like Christmas. Pretty much, the Rapture is the day when all the Christians are supposed to be taken to meet Jesus in the sky whilst all non-believers suffer for not having faith.
But there is only one thing that I really need to know about the Rapture - what time is it supposed to be? I want to know exactly when I will finally get confirmation of my radical Christian beliefs by being spared whilst all my atheist, Muslim, Hindu and Buddhist friends are sent to an eternity of torture and pain.* Oh wait…
I should probably show my hand now. Before I took a step back from the teachings of government primary school religious education (hoorah for a secular Australia!) I strongly believed in a Christian God. But I have since stopped accepting what has been preached to me and for the past eight years I’ve been atheist.
I am sceptical about anything religious, mainly because I like to ask questions and the answers that any religion provides seem so ambiguous and/or farcical. Here is one example: The new testament is essentially a re-written, dumbed-down version of the Bible written when Jesus “came back to Earth” and decided that the Old Testament was too hard for “God’s people” to abide by. If we are supposed to have been created in God’s image, why did we not get it right the first time?
But back to Rapture, or more specifically, the twelfth “notable” predicted Rapture (as stated by John “Jo” Smith of Wikipedia) and Camping’s second Rapture prediction. On that note, I think it’s time for a tally of Rapture predictions:
Predicted by: Notable dates: Secondary dates:
William Miller: March 1843- March1844 (seems that in the old days Rapture prediction wasn’t a precise… science?) Revised to October 1844.
(Full marks for trying!)
Jehovah’s Witnesses: 1914, 1918, 1925, 1942. (I don’t think that I’ve missed any...) (I think they pretty much covered it in direct predictions.)
Chuck Smith: 1981. (Although Metallica’s formation in 1981 might have been some kind of a musical Rapture.)
Edgar Whisenant: 1988, 1989. 1992, 1995 and the list goes on.
Mission for the Coming Days: 1992.
MANY people: 1993.
John Hinkle: 1994.
Harold Camping: 1994 (counted with Hinkle), 2011.
Sir Isaac Newton: Any time from 2060 onwards. 2061, 2062, 2063, 2064
So, the past 12 notable Rapture predictions, including Camping’s 2011 prediction, have flopped like a rebellion in Jerusalem. What of the next one? Could Isaac be right?
Well, just for the hell of it, I am going to make the prediction that Isaac’s prediction is right! Why? Well, by using the same method of loose connections used in formulating previous Rapture predictions, I conclude that because there were 13 people at the last supper, the 13th notable prediction MUST be the right one! Onya Isaac!Visual aid to Kulich’s proof of Newton’s rapture prediction, based off the fine research work of Wikipedia.I do not actually believe this; I know that my theory will eventually abide by one of Newton’s other (already proven) theories, the law of gravitation, and come crashing down…
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